Category: Dancing Engineer
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Where Is The User Manual?
I keep circling this question: am I actually bad at giving myself grace, or am I just bad at giving myself grace when I don’t understand what’s wrong? When the cause is obvious, I’m pretty generous. If I’m sick, exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed by something concrete, I can say, “Of course today is harder. Be gentle.”…
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One Conscious Tomorrow At A Time
The thing I keep forgetting is that the goal isn’t the output. It’s the feeling. What I want isn’t a perfectly executed schedule or a streak or proof that I’m Doing It Right. What I want is that feeling I had in June 2025. The repetitive, regular cadence of self-care and productivity. Not exciting. Not…
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Less Thinking, More Observance
I keep saying I want to invent something. Not in a casual, hobby way. In a very specific, slightly feral way. I want to make enough money from one good idea that I can stop negotiating my life in hours and deadlines and instead live off the investments it creates. And every time I say…
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From Self-Sacrifice to Self-Support
I’ve been thinking about the difference between self pity and self compassion, and how sneaky that difference is when you’re inside it. From the inside, self pity feels justified. Heavy, yes, but justified. It sounds logical. Reasonable. Evidence-based. Look at all the reasons I can’t. Look at how unfair this is. Look at how tired…
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When Is It Time to Flee?
I don’t mean a casual move to another city, I mean actually wrestling with what safety, identity, belonging, and political reality feel like right now. I’m here in California, feeling both grateful and battered. Grateful for the community and relative sanctuary. Battered because it feels like every other week something surfaces that reminds me how…
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This Is a Love Story
Some days I go to the gym, and it feels meh. Mechanical. Just a place where I lift heavy things and then put them back down again like a very sweaty librarian. Sometimes, though, going to the gym feels like a small, quiet act of love. Not the loud, romantic kind. No grand gestures. No…
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YOU DID IT!! !
After the Storm, Before the Dust Okay. Deep breath again. They’re gone. All three. Three kids, three rounds, three weeks each. Nine weeks of parenting solo in a home that had never been fully theirs before — until now. And now it’s quiet. Really, truly quiet. The kind of quiet that feels like a question:…
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Still Alive Just Spinning
Buried in Summer Hey friends. Quick check-in. I’m still here. Still alive. Still caffeinated. Still trying to remember what day it is. I probably won’t be posting much in the near future because, well—life. This summer has been a lot. Capital-A, bold, underlined A Lot. And it’s not even over yet. I’m still in it.…
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Still Not in Trouble
(Still figuring this out…) Ironically, I love making mistakes. At least in public. At least when it’s tech. Put me on a livestream, give me a broken container or a missing semicolon or a weird YAML error, and I thrive. I get to troubleshoot out loud, laugh at myself, and let the community chime in…
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Am I in Trouble?
(Probably Not, But Tell That to My Brain) I hate getting in trouble. Viscerally. The fear of doing something “wrong,” of getting caught, of someone being mad at me? It’s so baked in, I don’t even question it most days. It’s just this background hum, like a low-grade static buzzing under the surface: Am I…
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You’re Not Alone
Universal Secret Number Nine: Even When You Feel Like It There are these moments — quiet, heavy ones — where it feels like the whole world is moving, and you’re just… stuck. Like everyone else, you’ve received the memo on how to do life, and you’re still trying to figure out how to breathe through…
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Peace Is More Valuable Than Being Right
Universal Secret Number Eight: Even When You Know You’re Right There’s this moment — you know the one — where you feel the heat rising in your chest, your brain is already crafting the perfect comeback, and you know you’re right. Not just kind of right, but objectively, factually, morally correct. And yet… you pause.…