I recently circled a few core emotions in my journalling: fear, feeling broken, and struggling with self-confidence. These feelings seem tangled together, but as I dig deeper, I realize they might each have roots.
Why Do I Feel Afraid?
For me, fear isn’t just a passing feeling. It’s something that’s built up over time, layer upon layer. I’ve seen a lot—and experienced things that have left an impression. A specific memory comes to mind: a basement from my university days that I associate with fear, which even impacted my relationship with meditation and my senses. That fear has been compounded by countless other experiences over the years, leaving me feeling like it’s an ever-present part of me.
But is it?
Or is fear just a survival mechanism that’s been overused? Maybe fear doesn’t define me, but rather something that I’ve let define too much of my world.
Am I Broken?
The feeling of being broken is another heavy one. I sometimes feel broken—physically, mentally, emotionally. Some things in my body don’t work the way they should: my sinuses, joints, and knees. These physical issues make me think of myself as flawed.
But then I ask myself, “Am I broken?”
The answer is no. I’m not a fragile object like a teacup that shatters and can’t be put back together. I’ve been through harrowing experiences, but I’m not broken. So, what am I?
That’s where the realization hits: this narrative of being broken, it’s self-imposed. I’m the one defining myself that way because of how I view mental health and physical issues—through an ableist lens. I see myself as less than because of these challenges, and that’s an attitude I need to unlearn.
Challenging Ableism in Myself
I recognize my ableism.
I’ve internalized this idea that if something in ME doesn’t work perfectly, it must be “broken.” This comes from a societal narrative that people with disabilities are somehow incomplete or in need of fixing.
Knock it off, Leander.
It’s not about flipping a switch and suddenly undoing all my biases. But there are steps I can take to shift my mindset:
- Educate Myself: Learn more about disability issues and challenge my assumptions.
- Use Person-First Language: It’s not about being “broken”; it’s about being someone with specific challenges, like joint pain or mental health struggles.
- Be Respectful and Mindful of Language: Words like “lame” slip out of my mouth quickly, but they carry more profound meanings. I need to be more thoughtful.
- Don’t Infantilize or Speak for Others: It’s important to respect people’s autonomy and not assume I know what’s best for them.
I’ve noticed how ingrained these ideas are in me. But just like any bias, I can start dismantling it one step at a time.
The Intersection of Self-Confidence and Feeling Broken
I think the reason my self-confidence is so low is this sense of being broken. If I see myself as flawed in both body and mind, how can I build a solid foundation of confidence? Recognizing that I’m not actually broken might be the first step in changing this perspective. Confidence doesn’t come from perfection—it comes from accepting who you are, flaws and all.
Expanding This Idea into a Book
These reflections remind me of a book I’d like to write: You’re Not Broken and Other Impossible Things. It would explore these ideas, showing that the narrative we tell ourselves can be shifted. This might even tie into my larger concept of expansion and contraction—how we grow, shrink, and redefine ourselves through life’s challenges.
And maybe this is part of a larger journey.
Not just for me, but for anyone who’s felt fear, brokenness, or a lack of self-confidence. I think there’s space to explore these ideas on a bigger scale—perhaps through a book series aimed at helping people break free from these self-imposed labels.
I’ve realized that it’s okay not to have all the answers.
It’s OK to struggle with fear, question whether you’re broken, and navigate self-confidence’s ups and downs. What’s not okay is letting those feelings define your entire existence.
I’m not BROKEN
And neither are YOU.
The expansion, contraction, and acceptance process is ongoing, and maybe the key is just learning to embrace it.