I Crashed

[Dutch Lock Down Day Four Hundred Thirty Eight]

This morning I full on crashed.

Lashed out at my partner.

Screamed.

Howled.

And then slept for hours.

In the midst of it, though, I reached out to the doctor’s office and told them I was Not Good ™.

Then, because I was asleep and didn’t answer their calls all morning, the doctor came over.

I love this country so much.

I really don’t want to move.

And I do.

But first the news:

• Rutte gets Janssen vaccine as bookings open for 1980s children
• More hospitals closing Covid wards as influx of patients decreases
• De Jonge: Everyone in the Netherlands can be fully vaccinated by September

Now that I’ve talked it out with the doctor, that my fluoxetine ran out a few days ago and I forgot to get a refill, that we’re moving to the States in July or August, that I started a new job, that being non-binary has been really fucking hard lately, and that I solo parented for eight days for three kids just a few days ago – well, I feel much better, but we’re still not out of the woods.

I need to eat.

And go pick up new fluoxetine.

And unpack that non-binary stuff.

And pack all our worldly goods to be shipped to America.

It’s a lot, but there’s a path forward and this morning, well, I didn’t see that path forward anymore.

And now I do.