Beyond the Binary

Why Does It Matter? Because I Feel Seen.

An old friend messaged me recently:

“I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing your [non-binary] journey with me so I can learn more.”

It isn’t the first time someone’s asked. Sometimes it’s strangers, sometimes it’s people I love, and the question often boils down to:

Why does it matter?

Because I feel seen.
Because this is me.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it:

“I identify as a polyamorous pansexual non-binary trans feminine queer person. My pronouns are they / them.”

It took me a long time to get here.

I grew up what people called a tomboy. Hated dresses. Hated that delicate cross-your-legs posture that was supposed to signal “ladylike.” I loved trees. Loved climbing them. Loved perching at the top like a small, smug chaos goblin, legs dangling any way I damn well pleased.

“Tomboy” was the word adults used to make me legible to themselves. But it never quite fit.

Puberty didn’t help much. I didn’t grow hips or boobs like “the other girls.” I was teased for my flat chest, but secretly loved how androgynous I looked. Especially with my dancer legs. (I could jump like the boys.)

Years later, a friend invited me to play a character in their fantasy campaign:

“A being so ancient they’re beyond gender.”

Mind. Blown.

Then I gave birth to my first minion.

It was the first time I felt love—not conditional, romantic, performative, but raw, obliterating, limbic love. And suddenly, I had this spark inside me, this will to be me, honestly and unapologetically, because I wanted to be an example to this fierce little creature. Not perfect. Just real.

I didn’t want him to think it was okay to live in the closet. To hide.
I wasn’t even sure what I was hiding yet.
But hindsight, and all that.

And then. And then.

A friend gave me a copy of TIME Magazine, the March 27, 2017 issue:
“Beyond ‘He’ or ‘She’: The Changing Meaning of Gender and Sexuality” by Katy Steinmetz.

I didn’t read it right away. It sat in the bathroom for a while. (As the best magazines do.)

Eventually, I opened it. My brain caught fire.

“Some of the legal trappings that organize society around two categories of people are also starting to be challenged.”

“K.C. has a long answer when asked how they identify—’a white, able-bodied, queer, nonbinary trans person’—and says that it has taken years of work to overcome expectations of a society ‘that can’t really handle me.’ K.C. adds that ‘as a child, I felt very in-between.’”

“Essentially what they’re arguing about is, Should trans people be allowed to exist?”

Mind. Blown. AGAIN.

I saw myself in those stories.

I realized I wasn’t just “a little masculine.” I wasn’t just “a flexible woman.”
I was non-binary.
I was gender fluid.
I was pansexual.

Coming out, as it turns out, is messy.

I came out at work first. Tech conferences started including pronouns on name badges, and folks would ask me, “What are yours?”

I tried out Xe/Xer for a while.

Eventually landed on They/Them.

And when people misgender me, yeah, it stings. But only if they know me. Only if they should know better.

Coming out at home… well.

Let’s say I didn’t stick the landing.

I gave my partner an ultimatum: He could deal with it or get out. It wasn’t the healthiest, most open-hearted way to share something core to your being.

I would NOT recommend it.

Shortly after that conversation, I recorded a video of my thoughts—shaky, raw, trying to find the words. A few weeks later, I channeled that energy into something more constructive: the NonBinary Awesome List, which lives on GitHub at nonbinary-resources.

(TODO: update the list and fix the typos!)

Here’s the truth:

I’m still exploring.
Still peeling off layers. (onion? cake?!?)
Still learning what it means to be nearly fifty years old with a gender identity that had no name when I was a kid.

Still unlearning the ancient programming of the ‘70s and ‘80s.

Still figuring out what it means to be me—as a parent, partner, professional, and soul.

So when someone asks, Why does it matter?

I answer:

Because I want to be seen.

Because I am.

Want to learn more about what it means to be non-binary? Check out:

• TIME Magazine’s “Beyond He or She” (2017)
• My coming out video
• The NonBinary Awesome List
• My stream about building that resource

You don’t have to get it all at once.

But I’m delighted you’re asking.