[No, But Seriously]
This afternoon we realized we forgot to order diapers and the delivery isn’t guaranteed to arrive until Thursday which is why I got punched by a Dutch woman.
But first the news:
- Tearing down statues is not the answer, says Dutch prime minister
- Dutch sign up to Oxford University’s Covid-19 vaccine
- Covid-19 death toll rises by four, KPMG calls for ‘maximum control’ strategy
I mean, I know that correlation is not causation but I blame the diapers.
Obviously.
And now for some context.
When I walk into town, I wear a face mask cause reasons but also because when I wear one people usually give me a wider berth and that suits me just fine.
Sure, there’s staring, too, but no one’s actually said anything (that I could hear) or glared or otherwise confronted me.
Until now.
To be clear, I don’t actually know if it was the mask.
So what had happened was… I headed into town to get diapers to tide us over until the order arrives and since I was going to a store, I put on a mask. And headphones.
Noise cancelling headphones.
And as I’m walking, I observe an older woman walking ahead of me with a bit of an interesting gait – so I watch her, cause that’s my jam. I guess she’s headed to the grocery store because she has an empty grocery bag in one hand.
I look around to cross the street and when I look back in her direction, she’s sitting on someone’s yard wall.
No big deal.
I keep watching, but just as I’m about two metres away, she jumps up as if something bit her.
Time slows. I match it.
Instead of batting at herself or looking around, though, she’s jumped straight up with her arms stretched out to either side, completely blocking the entirety of the sidewalk. And facing completely away from me.
What?
I approach slowly.
“Alles goed, mevrouw?” [Everything okay, ma’am?]
She literally does a double take. Which startles me and I start to giggle, but then she’s spun around, shaking her fist at me in a defensive position, clearly upset and scolding me, but I have no idea what she’s saying specifically because of those damn noise cancelling headphones, so I try to walk by casually, slowly, non confrontationally.
And then she punches me.
Have you ever played punch buggy?
It was like that. In the shoulder. Hard.
Now here’s where it gets fun cause I’ve gotten into fights before. Physical, even. I’ve even studied wing chun. And I have anger issues. So to say my instincts are Not Normal ™ is a pretty solid judgement.
But.
That’s not what happened.
I immediately slipped into Mama mode.
Rubbing my shoulder, I scolded, “No. We do NOT do that here. NOT okay.”
In English.
She backed off.
I turned my back, turned off my damn headphones, and walked as if I could murder with a glare. I was actually just listening to see if she was following. [She was not.] Or still yelling at me. [She so totally was.]
Should I have called the non-emergency police line? Or talked her down? Or gotten help from a neighbor? Or something else?
I have no idea.
What would you have done, Warriors?