[Dutch Lock Down Day Three Hundred Eighty Two]
Girl Twin and I went for a walk – she rode her balance bike while I walked.
Sometimes she would shoot ahead, letting her legs and the wheels take her faster than my walking gait.
“You must run, Mama.”
And sometimes I did.
But first the news:
- Thrombosis experts furious about AstraZeneca vaccine halt
- Third Covid wave could be shorter, less intense
- Expats campaign to lift travel restrictions for international family members
But then the wind gusts blew and the light snow fell and suddenly, she couldn’t go fast anymore.
She was cold.
“If you go faster, you’ll get home quicker. Out of the cold.”
But she didn’t listen – she went slower.
The more I tried to get her to move it move it, she slower she went.
Until she stopped.
I tried every trick – walk ahead anyway, said ‘good bye’, enticed her to join me, waved her to join me, jumped about like an idiot, played peek a boo, hid behind a corner – she wouldn’t budge.
A stranger walked by, giggling a bit.
Tried to get her to join me as well.
And still she persisted.
Finally, I walked back to where she was, put my hand on her shoulder and asked, “Shall we go now?”
And she went.
Then she went fast.
And faster still.
“You must run, Mama.”
And so I did.
It occurs to me that, just like her, sometimes I’m capable of so much more than I’m doing. And that, like her, what I’m doing is actually worse for me than I know. But it also occurs to me that when she’s decided something is SO, it is SO until she decides it’s not anymore.
Until she’s ready to go again.
And then she zooms.
Just like me.
I wonder how much I’m holding myself back because I think I can’t do something. And I wonder how often I’m simply biding my time. I think it comes down to a matter of mindfulness. Knowing my own motivation behind decisions.
Or maybe I just need to run.
Like her.