Some Rules Are Meant To Be Broken Sometimes

[Dutch Lock Down Day Two Hundred Fifty Eight]

You absolutely may not run into the street without looking both ways. And you may not cross the street without holding a grown-up’s hand. And you absolutely must not panic and break all those rules when you see a spider the size of your FACE.


Except DO.

When I saw that thing, even I jumped a bit.

It would’ve included a completely undignified SQUEAK, too, except I was holding you and Putting On A Brave Face and you were trembling, whimpering in my arms and I was Making Assurances and then killing the fucking thing with my boot.

Even though, yes, spiders are not meant to be scary and it’s totally okay when they’re in our house cause, yes, they eat bugs.

When they scare your girl twin so bad that she runs into the street, fleeing to the safe space of Mama’s Left Leg, they DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE.

But first the news:

Minion Army, while I’m teaching you three all kinds of brilliant rules, I hope you know that there’s always a time and a place to break said rules.

Specifically, here are my top five rules that you totally need to do all the time to succeed in life.

Except when you don’t.

Drink Water

Eight glasses a day. Ish. Cause water’s really good for you. Except in Flint Michigan. Or where your body hasn’t adjusted to the microbes or whatnot. But, basically, you need to drink quite a bit of fluid for your body to function well. This pretty much should never be broken. Unless it’s winter and you’re wearing a million layers and taking off all those said layers to go pee is a massive pain in the ass and then dehydrate yourself cause staying warm is WAY more important than survival.


You’ve got to stay in shape at all times for when the zombie apocalypse arrives, cause you don’t know if they’ll be Night of the Living Dead shuffling zombies or 28 Days Later sprinting rage zombies, so get your exercise going now. Strength training two to three times a week and cardio three to four days a week and one to two days of rest. Repeat forever. UNLESS. You’re sick or hurt or just don’t feel like it, but remember, you ALWAYS feel better after you work out. ALWAYS. Unless you’re sick or hurt.

Be Happy

Figure out what makes you happy and go do that. It means trying a lot of things and figuring out whether they make you happy or not, but here’s a super secret – if it doesn’t make you happy, stop doing the thing. And with every new thing that you try, ask yourself, what am I willing to give up to do this? If the answer is your happiness, stop. There’s never a time to break this rule. NEVER.

Develop a Coping Strategy

You WILL have moments of stress. Figure out what comforts you and DO them. A long walk outside. A hot bath. A piece of chocolate. A Freaking VACATION. NOT A STAYCATION, A VACATION WITH A PLANE AND A HOTEL AND A BEACH AND A SAUNA AND RESTAURANT EATING FOR EVERY MEAL. A hug. Warm fuzzy slippers. A hot cup of tea. A good book. A super floofy kitty who loves cuddles and purrs and absolutely does NOT howl at us at five in the morning and then six in the morning and then seven in the morning. This is also a Never To Be Broken Rule, BUT it WILL evolve over time – keep up with the list by testing out things when it’s not a super stressful moment. If that makes sense.

Eat Healthy

Here’s the thing, though, ‘healthy’ is such a subjective term that I’mma define that a bit. This will ALSO take some experimentation. Basically, find the combination of food that makes you function at the space you want to be – without judgement. That may be peanut butter and butter sammiches every day for every meal or it may be the mediterranean diet or the lemonade diet or chocolate forever – if it works for you, then do it. And don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Unless it’s a doctor. Then maybe listen. But only after you do your own research and listen to your instinct if your instinct is speaking from a place of compassion, love and kindness.