Still Not in Trouble

(Still figuring this out…)

Ironically, I love making mistakes.

At least in public.

At least when it’s tech.

Put me on a livestream, give me a broken container or a missing semicolon or a weird YAML error, and I thrive. I get to troubleshoot out loud, laugh at myself, and let the community chime in with solutions—it’s messy, delightful, and deeply human.

Thank you, open source world, for normalizing that glorious chaos.

But real-life mistakes?

The ones that involve paperwork, deadlines, and very official-looking envelopes?

NOPE.

That’s where my brain pulls the emergency brake and goes full avoidance mode. Which is bananas, right? Because logically, I know I’m not going to be arrested for forgetting to send in Form XYZ-47-B three years ago. But emotionally? Whole different story.

My nervous system is like, We are being hunted.

And here’s the other layer: I’ve procrastinated on a few Big Boring Things™ for years now.

Years.

And now, of course, there are actual consequences. Real fines. Accrued late fees. Government systems that do not care if I have ADHD, paralysis, and a mild identity crisis.

And still—I’m embarrassed.

Not even ready to write about the actual things.

Just circling them in vague language like they might bite.

That’s the thing about a fear of getting in trouble—it doesn’t scale with the mistake. A tiny overdue task and a massive IRS audit? Same flavor of dread. Same freeze response.

Same avoidance spiral.

And the longer I wait, the bigger the dread gets.

Because dread is a liar like that, it multiplies in the dark.

I keep thinking, ‘Why am I like this?’

How do I unbecome this?

And maybe the answer isn’t in shaming myself into action. It could be as simple as turning the lights on. Approaching the task with curiosity, like I do on a stream. “Hmm, what does this button do?” “What happens if I open this envelope?” “Can I Google my way out of this?” Probably! I usually can!

And maybe the part of me that’s so afraid of getting in trouble isn’t wrong or broken or ridiculous.

It may need a little support.

A checklist.

A gentle voice.

A “hey, you’ve handled way harder things than this” reminder.

So I’m trying.
Not perfectly.
Not even quickly.

But I’m trying to face the backlog. To sit down with the things I’ve avoided. To take the fines and fees as reality, not as a reflection of my worth, not as proof that I’m irreparably flawed—but just… stuff that needs to be handled.

I can handle stuff.

I’ve fixed broken builds, launched entire events, raised three tiny humans, and danced onstage in front of thousands.

I can open an envelope.
I can send the form.
I’m not in trouble.

I’m just catching up.

And that’s allowed.