Guess Who’s Back? Back AGAIN!

[Dutch Lock Down Day One Hundred Ninety Two]

Remember when I had perimenopause? And then I got better?

And this summer it got weird?

TL;DR I had debilitating perimenopause, so I took hormone replacement therapy, but because it got weird this summer, I stopped taking it so that we could check my blood, which was what happened this past Thursday, but holy HELL, the symptoms have returned and it’s, seriously, bad.

But first the news:

Remember when I threw up the egg?

Those were the symptoms coming back.

Which is how I knew I wasn’t pregnant.

That night I had three hot flashes that were, well, cute compared to real ones.

Compared to, well, every day since.

Photo by Eric Muhr on Unsplash

Sunday the hot flashes returned. Not so bad then, but more intense and frequent every day since. And the throwing up – well – that’s just because the hormones were starting to fluctuate so much.

Night sweats returned on Monday night. Which brought on the insomnia.

Can’t fall asleep. Can’t stay asleep. Can’t fall back asleep.

It’s the best.

When you have insomnia, the brain can’t function as well. Focus is difficult. Productivity is slight. And emotions are raw.

On Wednesday I had an intense conversation with P and afterwards cried my eyes out. Like, seriously, bawling. It wasn’t a fight. It was a frustrating conversation.


Until my brain reminded me, “Perimenopause.”



It’s incredibly calming when you realize the emotions are hormonally driven.

I was still frustrated. I was still sad.

But I wasn’t hysterical.

And I could almost focus.


But it was worse than I thought. Getting worse every day. So I told my boss.

I thought, okay, so I told my boss, tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and write this up, tell the world, then tell my colleagues. On Thursday morning is the blood work and Thursday night I get to restart hormone therapy.

I can do this.


That next morning was, well, awful. And I felt okay. So I wrote about the awfulness in the States. Instead of myself.

Cause I WAS okay.

But last night? Today?


The hot flashes are so bad that I have to stop. Sit down. Close my eyes. Just breathe.

And the night sweats and insomnia make sleeping impossible.

And focus is hard.


I’m back on hormone replacement therapy. It took a month last year to get to stability. I’m hopeful that it’ll be quicker this time.

Either way, though, well, I’ll be back on my feet in a month at the latest.






One response to “Guess Who’s Back? Back AGAIN!”

  1. […] I’ve slipped solidly and completely into reactionary instead of proactive because of the hormones and that’s one hundred percent TOTALLY […]