“Hey You Doing Better, I Hope?”

[Dutch Lock Down Day One Hundred Ninety Nine]

“No blog posts in a few days.”

Worse. Quite miserable, in fact.

“Suck.”

YESSSS

But first the news:

• Despite the government u-turn, the Dutch are still unwilling to wear masks
• Almost 4,000 test positive for coronavirus to set new daily record; Up 46%
• Urgent government advice: Mandatory face masks in secondary schools

“Have to wait for hormone replacement to get back in the system?”

Exactly. It takes 1-3 months.

“OMG. Awesome days for Rain.”

Quite. No streaming tonight. Unless there’s a miracle. I called in sick yesterday and slept.

“Understandable.”

While I AM tempted to go back and write some posts for the days I also want to leave the gap obvious.

I was out.

GONE.

For two days.

And I should’ve called in sick on Thursday as well. Maybe Wednesday, too.

It’s weird how we’ll care so gently for others, but push ourselves well beyond our own healthy limits when we’re sick. I need to treat myself like I treat my closest friends. Or, better yet, like I treat my children.

I don’t keep in touch with my closest friends as much as I’d like to…

But, yeah, I’m not doing well.

The hot flashes became BAD. And combined with the temperature drop which means that if I’m not burning up from the inside, I’m freezing. I don’t do well if I’m hungry or sleepy or … cold. That’s my trifecta.

And the other symptom of perimenopause is depression.

I think it’s more secondary to the hot flashes which lead to night sweats which leads to insomnia which leads to depression.

Because the hot flashes are BAD, the depression is BAD.

And because I’m miserable, I want to escape, so I’m having suicidal ideation.

To be clear, I’m not having suicidal intention.

I’m okay.

I’ll be okay.

But these thoughts tell me that I need to be gentler with myself than I’ve been. Which is why I called in sick on Friday.

So that’s where we are.

That’s where I am.

I hope you’re doing well and can’t relate and I’m so very sorry if you can.