Last Time I Went For An Eye Exam, I Was Pregnant

I’ve been getting headaches lately and yesterday it was so bad that I threw up.


In the shower.

Having taken meds.

I sometimes just sit in the shower to self soothe.

Infinite hot water works for what ails you.

The medicine finally kicked in (after puking, shower, more meds, and sleep) but now I’m sitting here wondering why I’m getting headaches.

Could be my eyes again. Easy enough to check as eye exams are free as well as quickly and easily scheduled in the Netherlands.

Could be something else physical.

Could be psychosomatic.

Could be something else.

The thing about having a mental illness is that whenever there are physical symptoms you don’t quite know if the cause is physical. Whenever I have a week like this – where headaches are coming and going, and yesterday was a doozy, I ask myself what’s happening in my life.

“What are you avoiding, Leander?”

“Are there any looming deadlines?”

“Is this performance anxiety?”

“What has changed lately?”

In this case the answers include a couple of scary projects at work, sure, but nothing I can’t handle if I break it down to little bits, which I have. And those projects are due yesterday, today, and Tuesday. It could be performance anxiety, but the puking is extreme. And I bought new headphones.

Now I’m leaning towards the headphones a bit because 1) they ARE a bit snug, 2) they arrived around the time when the headaches started ish, 3) it’s easy to test if it’s the headphones.

So I’m not wearing my kickass new headphones for a few days.

But I still started the day with pain medication.

And it feels like there’s a headache just over the horizon, so we’ll see what the weekend brings.

But also the next major deadline is Tuesday, so if it IS because of these major project deadlines, that’ll be over soon enough as well.


I have an appointment to see a psychologist anyway and we can simply add this to the ever growing list of Things To Talk About ™.

I wrote that sentence as if I have a letter from the doctor with a confirmed appointment.

And I don’t.

But I still have hope.

And no headache.