Obviously Still Figuring Out Five A.M.

[Dutch Lock Down Day One Hundred Seventy Eight]

Totally slept in this morning.

Totally know why.

Totally doing something about it.

But first the news:

The alarm went off between 0430 and 0500 and I didn’t consciously turn it off.

Dangerous, Leander.

Once you get used to turning off your alarm in your sleep, it’s hard to go back to actually waking up.

But, more importantly, I felt really DOWN this morning when I finally faced the day around 0630. And it wasn’t because I missed the earlier alarm clock, either.

I asked myself, “What’s wrong?”

The Problems

Separately it’s not that much – any one of these would be no big deal, but all together it’s adding up to a lot.

Let’s unpack the issues.

Last night I REALLY wanted to stream an escape room or two with a close friend. And she didn’t feel comfortable. Which is totally fine. But getting one’s hopes up and then shutting it down still sucks.

But also.

There’s a major deadline looming at work – by the end of September, two and a half weeks from now, there are forty-two repositories that need to meet or exceed Experimental or Maintained standards for the Uniform Standards project.

But also.

My hip hurts. A lot. I popped it and it just won’t go back in for five days now. It sucks. And today is strength training. And it’s another reminder that I can’t just dance around without warming up anymore – that I’m older (and sometimes wiser) and injuries take more time to recover.

But also.

The new camera and lighting I bought for top down filming when I’m doing card escape rooms didn’t magically resolve everything. AND my desk is now super crowded with a ton of wires and extra tripods and it’s not nice to work.

The Solutions

Not getting to stream last night sucked. But I did stream for a few minutes before my friend joined and from that got TEN new subscribers on YouTube. TEN! Also, I’m going to stream on Saturday night guaranteed. Also last night was a surprise stream, not a scheduled thing that people were expecting and therefore disappointed. Focusing on the positive / silver linings / joyous bits of the truncated stream eases the disappointment. My friend is totally RIGHT to decline streaming. It’s not her jam. Respecting her choices and continuing our friendship is WAY more important than streaming a game. Way more important than a lot of things. And I need to figure out a way to communicate more clearly when I ask someone to join me on a stream.

And also.

That deadline is further away than I think, but since it’s looming, I’ve made the decision to do as much as I can today, Monday, and Tuesday and ask for specific help at the end of my business day on Tuesday. Which means help is coming. If I need it. Also working on it over the next few days will ease the pressure by getting things done and making it clear what still needs to be done. I know I need help, but I don’t know exactly how. Yet.

And also.

I got a physio recommendation from my personal trainer. I’ve already sent her a message asking for a video appointment to start the process. I know she’s going on vacation for a bit, but I’m still going to make the appointment. Because sometimes once you’ve made the appointment, the injury heals faster. Sometimes not. Either way, help is coming.

And also.

I won’t actually know how well the set up works without actually doing a stream. So I’ll do the stream on Saturday and learn from my live mistakes. PLUS I set up a mini streaming station on my old desk – next to my partner. It’s a much larger desk than he needs and since we’re not using the space simultaneously, it works. The standing desk I use really is little, but it’s got plenty of space for a keyboard / monitor / laptop / notebook / desk lamp, and something to drink. Anything else needs to be out of sight / put away. Plus now I don’t have to set up that much for Saturday night. Plus my wires are organised again.

Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash

The Hopes

Tomorrow morning I’m going to aim for an early morning wake up again. I’m aiming for yin yoga and duolingo and meditation and blogging and morning pages and a protein shake before the morning rush hour of getting the kids wrangled and downstairs and breakfast and clothes and chaos.

I hope this calms down my stressed out mind enough to return to that morning routine and that there isn’t something else hiding somewhere ready to trip me up and bring me down.

And I hope you’re managing yourself as well; diving into the weekend with an eye to kindness, a nod to acceptance, and a plan for when things don’t work out as planned.