Ran. The. Whole. Way.

I do not consider myself a runner.

That is not one of my labels.

But.

Sometimes I run.

First, let’s clearly define ‘run’.

“move at a speed faster than a walk, never having both or all the feet on the ground at the same time”

Now, there are tons of people who WALK faster than I RUN.

Cause of my awesome heart.

But through MONTHS of work, my personal trainer, Ifat, got me running.

YEARS AGO.

I completely stopped when I was pregnant with my eldest. And then I ran a bit here and there, but mostly didn’t run again until Nacht van Groningen.

Let’s look at the facts.

It was COLD.
The twins were THREE MONTHS and SEVENTEEN DAYS old.
I hadn’t trained. Or run. At all. Since the Red Hat Summit 5k 2016.
It STARTED well past my bedtime.
I signed up for the 5k.

I was an idiot.

I gave myself permission to walk as much as I liked. And I totally did. For a majority of the race. And anytime anyone gave me guff or encouraged me to run, I reminded myself that I just gave birth to twins. And smiled politely.

Jerks.

I was utterly miserable.

But I finished.

And I was utterly proud.

And then I signed up for the LadiesRun Groningen. This time would be different! This time I would train! This time I’d get up every morning and run at least a mile!

This time it’d be in JUNE during the DAY!

And that’s mostly what happened.

Except that it’s been a rough couple of weeks. Especially since about a week ago. And by the time I got to the race START, I wanted nothing more than to go right back home, crawl into bed, and sleep.

So I played pokemon.

See, whenever depression or triggers or anxiety or ideation is rearing its ugly head and I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD, I play video games.

Usually Pokemon Go. Sometimes June’s Journey. Most recently Two Dots.

It’s a distraction / escapism / shoosh for my brain and I NEEDED IT.

I literally stood at the start line playing on my phone.

No warm up. Shitty attitude. And the gunshot went off.

I assumed I’d be the last runner. That I’d shuffle into a walk throughout the course. That I might even just run to my car and LEAVE.

But I didn’t.

I ran the whole fucking way.

I wasn’t last.

I finished.