Vlogging Scares Me… A Lot

[Dutch Lock Down Day One Hundred Seventy]

First I want to take a minute to acknowledge that this is totally NOT a post about how I got up at five in the morning and is, instead, focused on vlogging, but DAMN RIGHT – I have officially made it a whole week of waking up at five ish in the morning and we’re keeping it going into a second week.

How long will this last?

#NoOneKnows

I want to tell you a secret.

Something very near to my heart that I haven’t confessed yet and it’s kind of … personal.

But first the news:

• Clubs to remain shut, but think about all the things we can do, Dutch PM tells reporters
• Best day of his life? More wedding photos show minister breaking Covid rules
• NIGHTCLUBS BAFFLED BY GOV’T ORDER TO STAY CLOSED

You already kind of know what it is – it has to do with vlogging, but it’s something… well, let’s stop with the build up and rip the band aid off, shall we?

Fake it until you make it is something I heard a WHILE ago and I took it to heart. Even if I’m not as confident as I seem, I do it anyway. Even if it scares me, I do it anyway.

When I figured out that my fear of heights was starting to Be A Thing, I jumped out of an airplane.

And that’s the secret – I have very low confidence.

Sort of.

It’s like how I know that everyone is an expert at something. And everyone is a newb about a LOT of things. So it’s okay to not know everything because even the expert of x knows nothing about y.

For example, I have plenty of confidence about speaking in public. And dancing. I’ve got that.

But vlogging is new so I don’t have a lot of confidence around it.

That will come with experience and training and research, sure.

But here’s the ACTUAL secret.

I don’t think I’m beautiful.

I’m aware of every ‘flaw’ that I have on my face, on my body, in my brain and in my heart.

And let me be clear that I’m NOT fishing. All the compliments in the world will not change my brain. My own mindset is the problem.

And I’m going to fix it.

The reason why I know that I have the potential to love my flaws is that I love my kids one hundred percent with all my heart.

For example, I have cellulite. I hate it. Little divots in my skin that look a bit like cottage cheese.

#HATE

I used to think that it was about getting older and gaining weight and that it was a sign of laziness.

Except my kids have cellulite.

Little divots under their chubby little legs that I absolutely adore. They’re not overweight. They’re not old. And holy hell they are NOT lazy.

Well, sometimes when Frozen II’s on, then they’re adorable couch potatoes.

Ironically, when someone else is rocking the swimsuit with all their cellulite on display I think things of support and love and admiration.

But for myself?

NOPE.

That’s not fair.

I deserve a supportive, loving, gentle brain, too.

And that was just an example – I am INCREDIBLY self conscious of my skin because of how rampant the acne was when I was a nine until, well, now. I am forty-four years old and I STILL HAVE ACNE.

#WTAF

It also means I look incredibly young and thank you, genes, for that, but I am CONSTANTLY looking at my face in video conferences.

Let’s take a deep breath in, Leander.

Let it out.

Okay, so ultimately I have low confidence in myself. Which is, actually, a really vague statement. Too broad to unpack. It’s not that I have low confidence in myself – I have high confidence in my speaking, performance, and movement abilities. I have solid confidence in my parenting, baking, and artistic skills. And I have low confidence in my ability to ride a bucking bronco.

And that’s totally okay.

What I would like to figure out is how to tackle that inner critic that judges my physical ‘flaws’ and prevents me from being able to watch myself with an accepting eye.

Actually, I don’t just want to tackle that critic. I want to punch it in the throat meat.

So I bought a few books.

That’s me – oh, I want to learn a thing. *BUYS BOOKS*

I have a problem I need to solve. *BUYS BOOKS*

I’m feeling down. *BUYS BOOKS*

It’s a Thursday. *BUYS BOOKS*

Actually, that’s not true – I didn’t buy them yesterday because I know I’m in the midst of finishing up the Branding Milestone and I didn’t want to shift the momentum towards another Milestone YET. But I researched all the books I wanna buy.

And added them to the Farmer Project:

• Action | Read The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know | June 2021
• Action | Read Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself | June 2021
• Action | Read On My Own Side: Transform Self-Criticism and Doubt into Permanent Self-Worth and Confidence | June 2021
• Action | Read Rewire Your Brain: 4 Books in 1: Build Confidence and Self Esteem, Practical Self Discipline, Overcome Social Anxiety, Manage Your Emotions. Master Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with Practical Tips | June 2021
• Action | Read Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance | June 2021
• Action | Read You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life | June 2021
• Action | Read You Are a Badass Every Day: How to Keep Your Motivation Strong, Your Vibe High, and Your Quest for Transformation Unstoppable | June 2021

Also, I went onto Headspace and saw they have courses and meditations I have space for right now:

• Kindness [course]
• Quiet Confidence [expert guidance]
• Andy on Confidence [advice]
• Recovering Confidence [meditation]
• Pro | Level 4 [course]
• Sports | Competition [meditation]
• Sports | Competition [course]
• Competition x NBA [course]
• Self-esteem x NBA [course]
• Presentations [meditation]
• Sports | Concentration [course]
• Sports | Concentration [meditation]
• Concentration x NBA [course]

Well, not all at once, but definitely as a daily practice starting NOW.

And I wrote this post.

I’m hoping that this helps. No, I know that this will help. I’m diving into a flaw – the inner critic – that has been with me for years, but I pretty much didn’t do anything about because I never made it a priority or a focus to DO anything about it.

Simply writing this blog post helps.

But the next steps will also help and over time I’ll quietly accept and, hopefully, learn to love my physical self, cellulite, acne and everything else.